


Never Enough

by wannabe_free



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-04-25
Updated: 2013-04-25
Packaged: 2017-12-09 12:06:08
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,230
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/774006
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wannabe_free/pseuds/wannabe_free
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>At first no one notices.<br/>Niall just drinks when his band mates go away to spend a couple of days with their families and he finds himself alone in a flat that feels too big for him.<br/>Or the one where Niall develops an alcohol addiction.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Never Enough

At first no one notices.

 

Niall just drinks when his band mates go away to spend a couple of days with their families and he finds himself alone in a flat that feels too big for him.

 

Then, he resorts to his other friends, all those people with well-known faces and familiar brogues.

 

He’d be like “Let’s go for a pint or too,” and his accent will get sharper, thicker….

 

It’s never one or two, though. It’s four or five on a good night and Niall stumbling into his apartment, his breath stinking of stale alcohol and his jeans dirty with splatters of vomit.

 

However, his neighbors aren’t there to witness. They are away in Bradford or Doncaster, tucked in their childhood beds with hot chocolate still settling on their stomachs.

 

Soon Niall takes it a bit further. He’ll go out on weekends or whenever they can get a couple of days off, and is at this that people start to catch on.

 

Eoghan tells him to slow the fuck down when Niall calls him on a Tuesday moaning about his throat feeling too dry. Laura starts neglecting his phone calls.

And that’s how Niall finds himself in his local pub, a pint in hand as his only companion.

 

Then beer isn’t enough anymore.

 

It doesn’t quench his thirst so the blond has to switch to Vodka, and Scotch and Whisky until one night he finds himself in front of Liam’s door clutching his stomach with a pained expression and begging for help.

 

He regrets it the morning after when he wakes up on Liam’s couch, breath reeking and blue eyes squinting at the bright sunlight.

 

Liam is sitting on the armchair not far from where Niall lays, phone in hand as he sips on his coffee.

 

“Good morning,” Liam says dryly, pointedly looking at his watch, “Or should I say good afternoon?”

 

Niall rolls on the couch offering Liam his back and grunting.

 

 

After that, Liam starts breathing down his neck.

 

He’s constantly calling Niall, more often and sooner in the morning than the blond would like.

 

He shows unexpectedly at Niall’s flat at random times, offering random excuses about his TV not working or not having anyone to hang out, and Niall gets restless and grits his teeth; his eyes flickering to the clock on the wall and his hands sweaty as the need to bring something to his lips becomes too much.

 

 

One day as Liam in on his way towards the lift, he finds Niall’s front door wide open.

 

He scowls, taking careful steps inside the flat and calling Niall’s name with a wavering voice.

 

Niall is lying on the floor, surrounded by glass and vomit. There’s a bleeding gauge on his eyebrow and his hand is clutching a semi broken bottle.

 

Liam curses under his breath, his eyes watering at the sight and his breathing suddenly shallow.

 

“Oh my god, Niall! Niall, wake up!”

 

Fortunately he does. Niall wakes up and cringes, unclutching his hands from the bottle and revealing more signs of blood.

 

“Fuck,” Liam stands behind the blond and helps him up as he fusses. “Fuck, what happened to you?”

 

Niall doesn’t tell.

 

He lets Liam clean his wounds and strip him off his clothes and help him into the bathtub all the while feeling terribly vulnerable and exposed as Liam scrubs his back for him. He lets Liam do all these things…But he doesn’t tell.

 

 

Liam snitches everything to Zayn, sobbing into his neck as he finally lets go of the secret that has been eating him up inside for weeks, and Zayn, who is probably the last person Niall would want to know about this, comes barging into Niall’s house.

 

Niall takes a moment to regret ever exchanging keys with his friends. Then, he raises a shaky hand in front of him, his other hand feebly curling protectively over himself.

 

“Is it true, then?” Zayn hisses, “Is it true that you are a drunkard now?”

 

Niall, still drunk from the night before, hears a pitiful sob leave his mouth; his chest heaving as he tries to look away from Zayn’s judging eyes and Zayn squares his shoulders and narrows his eyes waiting for an answer that never comes.

 

“Ok, then.”

 

The next Niall knows is that he is running after Zayn around the house, yelling and sobbing and throwing insults. Mostly, he’s begging at Zayn to stop. Zayn, who takes all of his alcohol and pours it down the sink.

 

Niall collapses on his knees, his eyes closed as he screams at the top of his lungs and his eyes puffy from crying. All of this as he watches powerlessly Zayn getting rid of absolutely every single drop of alcohol in the house.

 

That’s how Liam finds them.

 

“What the fuck is going on here?” He asks accusingly looking at Zayn, “I could hear the screaming from my house.”

 

Niall weeping gets louder and he lets Liam lift him from the ground and curls up next to him on the couch. However, as soon as Zayn tries to join them Niall flinches and squirms away from his friend, making himself small against Liam’s side as his breath hitches in his throat.

 

“Niall…”

 

Zayn tries to reach for him but the blond swats his hand away and starts shaking.

 

“Tell him to go! I don’t want him here!” the blond shouts at Liam.

 

Zayn lets his hand fall down on his own lap, a wounded look in his eyes, and Liam gestures his head towards the door, his hand raking through Niall’s hair as he tries to calm him.

 

Zayn blinks rapidly and looks away; his hands clutched into fists as he walks towards the front door and slams it.

 

Zayn comes back hours later when Liam texts him that Niall has calmed down.

 

He walks into the flat and his steps are insecure and his eyes puffed and red rimmed, and on him it looks out of character.

 

Niall and Liam are on the couch, still clinging to each other. However, now the blond looks totally boneless; all his fight gone.

 

Zayn stops in front of the couch and both he and Niall study each other warily until Niall nods his head and Zayn sits beside him, arms immediately moving to wrap themselves around the blonde’s shrinking frame with his nose nuzzling Niall’s hair.

 

Niall wakes up in his own bed a couple of hours later to the sound of hushed voices coming from his living room.

 

Clad in his boxers and socks he gets up from his bed with a slight shiver as he gets out of his room and into the living room, a gasp falling from his lips when he finds Liam and Zayn making out on his couch.

 

Something painful twists in Niall’s chest and a pitiful sound leaves him mouth without permission.

 

Zayn and Liam pull away from each other at the sound and Liam jumps to his feet and starts walking towards the blond.

 

Niall can tell that the older boy been crying but right now he couldn’t care less. He just starts shouting; his legs kicking around when Zayn tries to still him.

 

“Out!” He growls, “Out of my house, the two of you!”

 

Zayn looks at him pleadingly and Liam starts crying again but Niall is having none of it, his hands trembling at his sides as he shoves Zayn towards the door, “Out!”

 

They leave. They leave and Niall slams the door behind them, looking desperately for something to drink before he remembers that Zayn got rid of all of it and collapses on the floor with his back hunched over as he hugs his knees; heartbreaking sobs leaving his mouth as he shakes all over.

 

He feels terribly miserable and the realization that he is so tired that he doesn’t want to live anymore hits him.

He wonders why. He doesn’t have any particular problems and he is living his dream. He shouldn’t (doesn’t have the right) to feel so miserable, but he is. He is just… so alone. There’s no one for him. Not in the way Niall needs them. Everyone seems to be busy living their own lives and minding their own problems, and Niall just wants attention. He is silently screaming for someone to care, anybody please care, and he just gets this. Liam gets Zayn and Zayn gets Liam in the same way Louis gets Harry and Harry gets Louis.  And Niall… Niall only gets alcohol. When did he get so alone? When did it start to get to him so much?

 

That night, Niall goes to bed wishing he could sleep forever. Sleep it all off; the pressure, the loneliness, Zayn, Liam, ZaynandLiam. His addiction.

 

Niall changes his lock after that.

 

He sits with his back against the front door; eyes watering as he hears Zayn banging at the wooden surface from the other side, threatening to break it down fireman’s style..

 

Niall gets better and better at getting drunk without showing it and sometimes he shows up at rehearsals having just downed a full bottle of Rum; his face completely straight and his steps surprisingly steady.

His hands shake all the time, though. Maybe from the cold; the cold that has settled in him and doesn’t seem to leave.

 

They get together; Liam and Zayn.

They are very discreet about it and never display their affections in front of Niall. Unfortunately, everyone talks about it.

 

Well, Harry and Louis do.

 

 Blissfully oblivious to everything, they talk about it all the time, making rude jokes and comments that Niall doesn’t want to hear. That Niall can’t hear if he’s not numbed with liters of alcohol.

 

The worst of it all is that Niall doesn’t know why he’s feeling this way.

 

He reckons that he’s jealous, but he can’t tell who he is jealous of. Maybe of the two of them…  Probably of the two of them.

 

Paul goes to Niall one day and tells him that he knows all the truth, and from the corner of his eyes Niall catches sight of Liam and Zayn peering at them, both with matching guilty expressions.

 

Niall cries until he’s dry. He swears and begs, but no one listens to him and he ends up in a rehab center.

 

He tells his doctor that he doesn’t want any visits. He refuses to see anyone. Not when they are the cause that he’s here. Not when they sent him here to get rid of him.

 

At night, he lays wide awake, sweating and shivering and clutching his stomach; hands shaking and teeth chattering as his body demands alcohol. Then he calls a nurse and he weeps and screams and tries to bribe them until they have to inject him with a sedative that will surely give him a headache later, once the numbness is gone.

 

He bets life is easier without him. He can imagine his parents watching television nonchalantly now that they are paying for someone to care for their son.

 

Niall can almost picture Zayn and Liam all over each other, sharing heated kisses now that they don’t have to deal with Niall’s wounded eyes, and the blond almost wishes that he could stay here forever so he doesn’t have to face anyone anymore.

 

He talks a lot.

 

They make him talk and they want to know everything. Then they write it down, and it makes Niall uncomfortable; how his whole life, all of his problems, are reduced to a couple of messily scribbled sheets in a tattered notebook.

 

Suddenly, the doctor is all set to make Niall talk to his friends and family. He says that this is something Niall needs to do if he wants to heal.

 

But Niall doesn’t. He doesn’t want to heal because healing means getting out. And getting out means facing all the shit that got him there on the first place.

 

First it’s his father. Bobbie, who raised Niall and who is the most influential person in Niall’s life, (according to the doctors, anyway.)

 

Bobbie asks him why, he asks Niall if he isn’t happy doing what he’s doing and then tells him that if he’s not happy in the band anymore then he should pack his stuff and go back home.

 

Greg comes too, and they’ve never been really close, but for some odd reason Niall finds himself crying his heart out as his older brother holds him.

 

Greg doesn’t make any questions, he’s just there, offering Niall a feeling of companionship that the blond didn’t know he was missing.

 

Harry and Louis are really sad. They say they didn’t know, that they didn’t notice. Louis lets out a few tears and Niall squeezes his shoulder.

 

For his part, Harry blurts out something about celebrating with a pint once Niall gets out. Then his eyes widen and he curses looking all ready to punch himself.

 

Niall offers him a tiny smile and shrugs it off and Harry doesn’t say much more after that, afraid he’ll put his foot in again.

 

Niall is grateful that Liam comes on his own.

 

The center has a big garden and the sun is out, so they decide to go for a walk.

 

Liam updates him with everything that’s been going on while Niall was there. He tells him that Paul told them that Niall would be out of the center in no time. He tells him about the fans being really worried. “They love you the most.” He says, and Niall smiles like he cares.

 

Before he leaves, Liam walks Niall to his room. He tells him, “You look good,” and Niall shrugs his shoulders and his breath hitches in his throat when Liam leans in and pushes their lips together.

 

Niall feels his heartstrings pulling in his chest. He lets himself enjoy the warmth for one second. For just one single second he lets himself get lost in the moment, then reality hits him and he shoves Liam away forcefully, sending him stumbling back until his back hits the door.

 

He dries his lips with his sleeve looking at Liam with incredulity.

 

“Why would you do that?”

 

Liam looks at him still leaning against the door, defeat adorning his beautiful features as he looks at Niall evenly.

 

“Because I love you.” He deadpans.

 

Niall stares at him outraged,

 

“No, you don’t. You love Zayn!” He snaps.

 

Liam takes a few steps forward, his left arm reaching for Niall.

 

“Yeah, I love him too.” He admits.

 

Niall extends a hand in front of him signaling Liam to stop.

 

“That’s fucked up.” Niall breaths out.

 

Liam flinches and Niall adds, “Leave.”

 

“Niall is okay. He doesn’t…”

 

Niall doesn’t let him finish. He shoves him towards the door again, clutching the collar of his shirt and hissing, “Don’t bring me into this, okay? I don’t need more shit.”

 

 

Zayn doesn’t even come to visit him to the center and Niall doesn’t know if that makes him happy or not.

As predicted, before long Niall is back at home again and Maura moves in with him.

Suddenly every radio and TV program wants to interview them; want to know what happened to Niall.

 

They make awkward questions and Niall squirms under their prying eyes, suddenly feeling too hot, too anxious.

 

And more often that he would like, Niall finds himself wishing he could drink a beer, maybe something stronger. Something to sooth his nerves, to loosen him up and he wonders if the craving will ever go away. If he’ll ever heal.

 

Zayn shows up at his door one night when Niall is watching the football highlights.

 

The Bradford boy takes cautious steps when Niall lets him in and then he sits stiffly on the couch.

 

“I wanted to visit you.” He says.

 

Niall looks at him skeptically from where he’s standing and Zayn shifts uncomfortably.

 

“Are you busy?” asks Zayn as his eyes flicker to the television.

 

“Not really. Football without beer is not quite the same.” He says dryly.

 

Zayn looks away fleetingly, taken aback by Niall’s honesty. Finally, he composes himself and says,

 

“Liam told me what happened.”

 

Niall shifts his weight from one foot to another cursing inwardly when he feels his face blush.

 

Zayn gets up and walks closer to Niall, clearing his throat before he adds, “I’m not mad or anything.”

 

Niall’s hands are disgustingly clammy. His hair sticking to his forehead as every single muscle in his body stiffens.

 

“Aren’t you mad that your boyfriend kissed me?” Niall asks sharply. “You don’t mind that he loves me?”

Zayn looks at him evenly for a short moment before he shrugs his shoulders, “I’ve known for a while. And no, I don’t mind.”

 

Niall blinks at him, his mouth suddenly too dry and his face boiling. He turns on his heels and starts walking towards the kitchen.

 

He opens the fridge, eyes automatically scanning the selves for a beer, and oh, he remembers and reaches for a bottle of water instead. He takes long gulps directly from it until he finishes it. Then he turns on the faucet and splashes water over his face, his hair, his neck… until his white t-shirt is soaked and he starts trembling.

 

He hears steps and soon Zayn is standing behind him and spinning the blonde around until Niall is facing him, one tanned hand falling on Niall’s side and the other behind his head as he brings their mouths together.

 

Niall closes his eyes and lets Zayn kiss him. Eventually kisses him back, walking backwards as Zayn guides him towards the living room.

 

They fall on the couch, hands roaming each other’s bodies and shaky gasps falling out of their lips until Niall pulls back.

 

Niall fixes his jumper and tries to catch his breath, his nose scrunched up in confusion,

 

“Zayn, what’s going on? I thought you loved Liam?”

 

Zayn sits straighter on the couch and scratches the back of his neck, “I love Liam, but I love you too.”

 

Niall’s mouth flaps a couple of times. He runs his hands through his hair and tries to make sense of all this mess. He can’t.

 

“I don’t… um, I don’t get it.” Niall says with a small voice.

 

Zayn reaches forward to stroke Niall’s cheek, “We don’t, either.” He says, “It’s not ideal but it’s just what it is.”

 

There’s a few beats of silence in which Niall tries to assimilate the new information and then Zayn speaks again.

 

“He’s really upset. He thinks you hate him.”

 

Niall shakes his head frantically, “But that’s not true.” He breaths out, “I don’t hate him, I just… I don’t understand what’s going on.”

 

Zayn stands up and offers his hand to Niall who looks at it hesitantly.

 

“Let’s find Liam, okay? Let’s find him and try to figure everything out.”

 

Niall’s eyes flicker from the Zayn to his hand and then to Zayn again, his expression wary as he accepts the hand and let’s Zayn help him to his feet. He is trembling and scared and confused but surprisingly, he isn’t alone anymore. And, as he takes Zayn hand, he realizes that he is so vulnerable, so needing, that he would follow Zayn wherever he went.

 

“Um, okay.” He says shakily.

 

Niall hears himself saying and then he thinks, “fuck! I could use a drink.”

 


End file.
